Wandering Alone
by Phoenix-of-Vengeance
Summary: Depression is a monster that slowly destroys her. Can she overcome her mental illness, or succumb to its familiar embrace? Rated M for dark content and situations.
1. Chapter 1

Wandering alone in the harsh land of Skyrim was dangerous. Even more so when one was barely aware of their surroundings, or themselves.

Yet, the robed figure seemed to navigate just fine. Her head was down, looking more at the rocky ground than where she was going, though she would glance up every few moments to make sure of her surroundings.

If one were to look at her, they would see a tired, thin Nord mage with deep blue eyes that seemed just slightly too big for her face, and a few snowy white tendrils of hair that fell from beneath her hood and feather along her brow.

Her face was feminine, though her thinness made her cheekbones a bit more noticeable than she would have liked. But oh well.

She caught sight of a town nearby, and noticed the encroaching darkness that signalled nightfall was coming. She should rest for the night.

...

Upon entering the town, she realized she was in Rorikstead. Huh... Had she not just left Riverwood? She had walked all that way? No wonder her feet were killing her, and her stomach was grumbling.

Food, and rest.

After that, she was unsure. She would just...walk some more, she guessed.

The inn was quiet, and warm from the fire. That was nice. She paid for a room, and food, and then went to sit at one of the tables to eat alone.

As she ate, she took the hood off her head, revealing the snow white hair she kept pulled back in a low ponytail. She brushed some of the loose tendrils off her brow, stopping when she caught sight of the shadow on her wrist.

Lowering her arm, she traced a finger over the flesh, stopping as she felt the small bumps of scar tissue beneath the ink covered skin.

With a heavy sigh she pulled her sleeve back to cover it up.

"Out of sight, out of mind... " she mumbled to herself as she went back to eating.

She hated the reminders... She never should have tried in the first place. Now the guilt and shame were always there to haunt her.

Stupid, she had been stupid back then. It would not have helped anything, she knew that now. Sure, she would not be feeling all this pain, both inward and out, but at least it meant she was alive now.

Now, if only she could make the pain stop while she was alive...

Maybe then she could get better.

Because pretending it wasnt there had done little good.

...

Thats what she had been doing, lately, wasnt it? Pretending she wasn't all fucked up in the head and heart.

...

That realization only made her mad. She knew better than that!

She told others that same line, and here she was being a hypocrite!

Gods, she was so stupid...

No longer hungry, she got up and went to her rented room for the night. She wanted to think, needed to figure out how to get better.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning she awoke with a plan.

Stop wandering everywhere and find a purpose.

She went to get out of bed, only to be hit with a crushing weight that left her heart heavy and her muscles weak, causing her to drop back into the warm embrace of the blankets.

"No..." She groaned. "Not today, go away..."

But it didn't. She felt physically tired, which was impossible since she had actually slept decent the night before.

Her arms were heavy, her body weak. She wanted to get up, to get out of bed, but she just could not.

Instead, she spent the better part of the day just lying there.

She didnt understand why the tears came, but they did. Flooding from her eyes, trailing down her cheeks and leaving little puddles on the pillow.

Why?!

She didnt understand it! She had a plan, she was going to fight this!

And here it was, fighting back.

Gods damn this broken mind of hers! Why could it not just be normal? She didnt want to deal with this anymore! She didnt want all this crushing sadness and guilt. She didnt even understand why it was here!

Months have passed since she had any reason to be sad, so why did her heart still ache and hurt so?

She didnt know when she had fallen asleep, but when she awoke, night had already come again.

And with it, the feeling of her failures keeping her down began to fade.

She was able to get out of bed, and noticed how hungry she was, as well as how badly her body needed to relieve itself.

"Ugh, fuck me..." She murmured.

Fine... Tomorrow.

Tomorrow she would start. Today was already over, anyways.

She returned to her room after paying for more food and another night, and frowned as she checked her travelling satchel.

Welp, that was it for her meager amount of coin. Regardless of what happened, she would most certainly have to get a move on in the morning.

Ugh, she hated this. When it got like that, she was just so damn useless, all she did was lie there and cry, and for no reason she could discern or identify.

She decided to change her clothes, stopping when she noticed a dull ache in her arms. Reaching to massage one, she pulled her hand away when felt something wet and sticky.

What in Oblivion...

Blood?

...

Great, she had done that again as well. She hated that. Not once had she ever remembered doing it.

She looked down at her hands, noticing the small dried up patches of blood beneath her nails and on her fingertips.

"Dammit..."

She then grabbed a spare piece of cloth from her bag and dipped it into some water, undressing herself while she let it soak. Then she began to clean the small wounds on her arms before healing them. At least now they didnt leave scars, although she did have quite a few from befire she was any good at Restoration magic.

Yet another reason to wear long sleeves and keep herself covered.

She didnt even need the layers, she was a Nord, she didnt feel the cold like the other races. They made her hot and uncomfortable most of the time, anywaus, yet she still wore them. Oh well... Maybe she could work on that? so many, or even shorter sleeves?

The thought terrified her and she quickly dressed herself again, feeling much better now she was covered.

Why was she so fucked up?

Why did any of this bother her?

Shame, guilt? For what, though?

She knew, but didnt understand why.

Why it was still bothering her, why she was letting it.

No, it wasn't her fault, was it?

She was trying to forget, but maybe she wasnt trying hard enough...

She already knew that! She felt like a broken bard, repeating the same thing over and over, ugh!

She was not going to let this, this...whatever it was, destroy her! She would be happy, if it was the last thing she did!

She could be normal, dammit!

Watch, what did normal people do?

Go drink, and socialize, maybe get in a bar fight or two... That may be a bit of a stretch, but she could do the first two things.

Yeah, yeah!

Just watch, she'd kick this damn stupid thing like a bad habit, she just needed to fight it more, was all.

Yeah!

Settled on a course of action, and determined to see it through, she squated her shoulders, picked up her head and startes for the door, only to stop as her hand hit the doorknob.

Oh, come on! Why couldn't she make it turn? Such a simple action, and her body wouldnt let her! Her mind was screaming at her, telling her to stop, but also telling her to go.

The mixed signals confused her and she dropped to her knees on the floor, crying for the umpteenth time that day.

She didn't understand!

"Why?" She gasped out quietly. "Why wont you let me go?"

All she heard was the blood pounding in her head, and all she felt was pain. It was like a broken, gaping wound in her chest. And it was being irritated beyond belief with shards of glass and salt. A hand clutched at her skin, but it wouldn't stop!

She wanted it to stop, to go away, she didn't want this!

She fought against herself, pushibg herself to her feet and backing away from the door.

She could feel it again, that welcoming emptiness that called to her...

She didn't want to hurt anymore. She was tired of fighting. She would just sleep, and forget about everything for tonight.

She fell into bed, falling asleep with tears still fresh in her eyes.

She would pick her battles up in the morning...


End file.
